everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
