I seem to have left my pride at pride
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
