Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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