Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
