He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
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why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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