I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
