how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
