You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
