I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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