My girlfriend figured out who you are.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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