Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.