whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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