Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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