You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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