Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
