college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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