is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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