I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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