i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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