As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
