we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
