You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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