he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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