Fine. I'll sleep in my office
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
