do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
