that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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