Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
