dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
