Having a random hookup so left but love u
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
