we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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