I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
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I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
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I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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