i already hear my dad disowning me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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