my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
