1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
