I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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