And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Blood and glitter go together right?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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