i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
