I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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