Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
