i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you would pick up someone in the library
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Randomize
