You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
