I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
