i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
