so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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