i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
