I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
