I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
