Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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