apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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