did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
