Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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