My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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