I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
