here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
